animal (spectral_animal) wrote,

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Possible Last Post until I'm out of Athens

Ok, more explaining. There are various reasons I'm taking a leave of absence from the school, even though I am so damn close to graduating, and monetary reasons are only a small part. I know I could go to Grandpa or Marge and explain the situation and they'd float me the money I need. But that's beside the point. If I stayed in this town for another year, if I did my last year here next year, I don't believe I'd see my 28th birthday. I know that by going to New York, if that offer still stands for me to do so from November, that there is a good chance I will never get my degrees, that I will stay up there, help the great-aunts with the rentals until they pass away (may that never happen), and then take over the business. Sadly, the thought of not getting my degrees, even though I am so close, no longer bothers me. So much bad shit, so much soul-killing shit, so much emotionally-numbing stuff has happened in the past 10 months, since roughly about the time Sam went to Scotland, that there is really nothing anymore that I really care about. I no longer have any passions. I used to enjoy collecting old and rare books - now, it's been months since I've looked, and odds are that before I move, I'll sell what I have. Kevin, Frog, and Yonkers are the only three people I implicitly trust on the planet right now to actually consider what might be best for me before taking any action. Actually, they are the only three people I trust at all. I know a lot of people care for me, and that some love me, but I can find no reason at all to hang around for them ... from experience, especially with past girls, I know that as soon as I disappear, I'm easily ... not forgotten, but rather not necessary to do anything. As of the moment, and it's been steadily building for the past two weeks, my loathing of general humanity has been building again and I'm ready once again to do what I claimed in the USMC that I'd do once I got out of college: I'll find myself either a small college or a library in the North East, and completely disappear in to my studies, researches, and books and off of everyone's scope. Once, I thought that might change, when I came back to school and everything seemed golden. I was on the track to a golden degree, I had the best girl in the world, and I had a damn good job. Now, I'm just another person leeching off of friends, I ended up fucking up the straight track for the degree, and I don't think I'll ever get the girl back, let alone see her ever again. But such is life, and I'm not angry at that. The lot we are dealt in life is that which we must play out. The other reasons for going to New York (or wherever that is not Athens) also include that by getting out of here for a year I get a chance to rearrange my life; I give a chance to those that I am acquainted with (including Sam) to move on, graduate, and enjoy their senior year all as friends without the drama that my presence seems to provide; and that if I stayed here any longer, I'd probably either end up in Jail or in the ICU. If I don't end up in NY, the options I have are a multitude. Since I no longer really give a damn, I really don't mind selling off my book collection. Since that's my only major possesion(s), I could end up in Alaska as a crab fisherman, or down in Mexico, or any other random places. I know that since I'm probably (99.99999%) not gonna get her back that the odds of me getting in any other relationship within the next few years (and the odds of me ever getting married are even slimmer) is phenomonally small. Actually, within the past month I've also given thought to the Fransicans ... after all, they are renowned for scholarship. All I know is that if I stay here, something bad will happen to me. Either I'll turn to drugs to escape, or I'll be continually depressed because of missed oppportunities, or I'll end up an alcoholic. By taking this year off, it gives me a chance to step back, re-affirm my morals and values, bolster my will power, give me both a vacation from my 36-months straight of studying and a chance to make money, and when (if) I do come back to Athens, hopefully after a year in New York no longer will almost anywhere I go evoke memories of the time I spent with the ex. Yeah, sappy, I know. But after the amazing amount of nervous breakdowns over the past few weeks, which the lack of relationship is only about 10%, I need a change of scenery bad-like, somewhere where there is no internet, no wireless, and I won't have a cell phone. Somewhere I can disappear, and no one can reach me unless I let them. I need that security right now, becuase I have a severe lack of trust in humanity in general, and am reverting back to the Spectre that I was back in the day ... always in the background observing, but never noticed, and no one to be responsible to because none at that time cared for me. That's the return I long for, and hopefully I can make it true ... and hopefully after a year being gone from here, the memory of me will be but dust for all that I was around. I rather like being anonymous. Peace all, be easy, and in about 7 weeks I'll try to update. My taking a year off isn't only a chance for a fresh start for me, but a gift to my friends that they can have a drama and awkwardness free senior year.
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